Jacked Up Classics: Alice in Wonderland
by Xandra
Summary: Parody #2. A young boy named Quatre gets sucked into an adventure when his boring life is disrupted by the passing of an amazingly sexy man with...white rabbit ears and a pocket watch? 3X4, 1X2X1 (meant in a different sense), RXD, etc. (PLEASE read!!!)
1. The Troublesome Tweedles

Jacked-Up Classics: Alice in Wonderland  
  
By Xandra  
  
****  
  
"Quatre, read your book, dear."  
  
The blonde boy looked up at his sister as his kitten Dinah climbed into his lap and yawned, stretching out and snuggling into his thigh. He knew the feeling! Everything was so boring around here...  
  
"Quatre, dear? Are you all right? You're not reading."  
  
He picked up the thick book and flipped it open, then skimmed the pages, looking for pictures. There were none, just countless words about nothing interesting. Sighing, he tossed the book aside and laid back on the grass, putting his hands under his head and trying to decide if making a wreath of daisies was worth the trouble of picking them. "I simply don't see what enjoyment there is to be found in books without pictures."  
  
"If you READ one, maybe you'd find it, dear," she said, narrowly. She sighed as he began delicately stroking the head of his little kitten, who had perched herself on his stomach and was now getting ready for a nap. "Darling, you must bring your head out of the clouds and come back down to your sister. At this rate you're sure to float away!"  
  
"I don't think I'd mind," he murmured as he snatched a few delicate daisies from the ground and began weaving them into a wreath. Dinah poked at one as he added it to the weaving, then sniffed it, only to sneeze from the pollen. Quatre laughed, weakly. "It's so boring here..."  
  
"Oh Quatre," Iria sighed, standing and snatching the wreath from his hands. "You'll have to grow up eventually, and foolish thoughts like that one and silly things like these are for children."  
  
He snatched it back, then set it on Dinah's head, smiling. The kitten blinked, then mewed as it fell down over her ears and came to rest around her neck. He snickered, amused. "But I AM I child, Iria, and I'm enjoying it. I'll grow up later."  
  
She sighed, then shook her head. "The real world is waiting, Quatre, and very soon you will have to come and greet it."  
  
"Yes," he agreed, "Very soon, but not today, or tomorrow. Probably not the next day either. This whole week doesn't look good for the real world." He grinned as Dinah began prancing around with the daisy wreath around her neck, then rolled onto his stomach and propped himself up on his elbows, watching her happily. "I guess it will just have to make an appointment sometime after I turn eighteen."  
  
Iria sighed and shook her head, then scooped up Dinah and took the wreath from her neck, throwing it aside. Dinah whined and Quatre frowned as Iria dropped a book in front of him. She stroked Dinah's head, then turned toward the house. "You simply must stop this foolishness and act your age. When I was fifteen I was helping father with the business, and YOU are to be the heir, not I, so YOU should be the one studying. Games and playing simply cannot be allowed." She set the kitten down and nudged her with her foot, making her scoot off toward the lake nearby, then turned and strode away.  
  
Quatre sighed and flipped the book open, then started to try and read it.  
  
THE JACK RABBIT OR CHESTNUT HARE, WHICH IS RECORDED TO BREED IN THE EARLY SPRING MONTH OF MARCH (EARNING THE NICKNAME MARCH HARE), IS KNOWN AS THE DRAGSTER OF THE LEPUS GENUS, SURPASSED ONLY BY ITS COUSIN OF THE LAGOMORPHA GENUS, THE ALBINO COTTONTAIL, OR WHITE RABBIT...  
  
He was bored already! Why did he want to know about rabbits? He shut the book and looked up as Dinah prodded at his left shoe with a tiny paw.  
  
"Mew?"  
  
He smiled and scooped her up, then grabbed the book and scooted up to the shore of the pond and set it on the surface. It floated. "Wanna go sailing?"  
  
"MEW!"  
  
"Oh, you'll be okay, Dinah," Quatre assured her, setting her on the book and gently pushing it out onto the pond. He smiled as his kitten looked at her reflection in the water, then poked at it, splashing a bit of water onto her nose. She jumped and mewed, wiping it away. "Oh, Dinah." He laid down on the bank and folded his arms under his head, watching the kitten sail across the pond mildly.  
  
It was a warm day, and it was making him sleepy, but he continued to watch the book float away. Soon, his eyes drifted to the surface of the lake, at the reflections of the sky, his kitten, the book and the flowers nearby, as well as a handsome young man with white rabbit ears...  
  
Wait a second...  
  
Quatre looked up as the tall, brown-haired young man ran past, garbed in a very tasteful three-piece suit consisting of blue slacks, a yellow vest over a dress shirt and a red waistcoat, looking impatiently at a slightly large golden pocket watch. He did indeed have long, white rabbit ears that stuck straight up off his head and a little fluffy tail that became evident when he ran, his coat flipping up, which the blonde noted along with his tight rear end. He could just scarcely hear him muttering to himself.  
  
"Late, late, late! I'll be skinned if I don't step on it!"  
  
Well, THAT couldn't be allowed! Who would want to skin such a handsome, young...man? Or was it rabbit-man? Oh well. Quatre got up and dusted himself off, then snatched Dinah from the book, stuffed her under his arm and rushed after him. "HEY! Where are you going?"  
  
The rabbit guy (from now on, we'll call him the white rabbit, because 'rabbit guy' sounds sort of mean) kept on going, ignoring the calling of the other boy. Man, he could run!  
  
Quatre pursued him, curiosity and slightly odd attraction forcing him to follow the good looking man. He paused as they came to a rabbit hole, then watched as he dived in, disappearing. Blinking, he made a quick mental decision. Slowly, he set Dinah down and looked at her, giving her a stern look. "Dinah, if I don't come back, have Iria feed you, okay?"  
  
"MEW?!"  
  
The blonde sighed, then pinched his nose and jumped into the hole.  
  
Next thing he knew, he was floating slowly through a tunnel that seemed to go on forever, with odd floating articles of furniture all around him. There were rocking chairs, cupboards full of empty marmalade jars, and even lamps. It was so peculiar...  
  
Quatre blinked, then looked around. "Shouldn't I be falling faster?" Apparently not. Curiously, he kicked his feet in the air and suddenly found himself hanging upside down. As he passed an oblong map of the world, he thought to himself aloud. "I wonder what will happen if I keep falling like this...maybe I'll fall right through the other side of the world. That would be odd indeed, considering that the people on the ground might be startled to see me shoot out of the ground...I wonder which country I would end up in..."  
  
Suddenly, his feet hooked on something and the falling stopped all together. He looked up to see the floor, and down to see the tunnel high above him and his feet hooked on a curtain pole. With a confused set of blinks, he looked forward in time to see the White Rabbit turn the corner up ahead in this new hallway, which was lined with oddly-shaped and bent doors.  
  
"Oh no! I'm going to lose him!" Quatre shifted and hit the floor, then quickly recovered his feet and rushed after him, ignoring all the other doors. He turned the corner just as a solitary blue door closed. He frowned. "This is getting odd. I'm following a man with rabbit ears underground through doors...ah, well. This beats reading about rabbits. I'd much rather inspect THAT one up-close..." He grinned, privately, then quickly opened the door.  
  
There was another of a separate shape and color behind it, only it was smaller. He opened that one too and it was the same case--another door, smaller, and a different shape and color. This went on for about four more doors and he felt himself quickly becoming exasperated.  
  
"If this goes on much longer I won't get through here..." He opened the current door, which was a square, red panel, and finally, it opened into another room. He sighed with relief and knelt, then crawled through into another room. There was a tiny pair of curtains on the opposite side of the room, and as it turned out, there was a door on the other side. He tried the handle, but it was locked, and besides, he was too tall to fit into it. The question was, how had the rabbit done it?  
  
He turned and ran into a delicate glass table, which he was sure hadn't been there before, catching it before it could fall. A glass bottle with a label on it stating in pretty cursive, "Drink Me," rolled into his hand. He checked it over, then shrugged and popped the top. He was sort of thirsty anyway. Looking around, he sipped from it and blinked. It was good! It tasted like an assortment of foods, and all of them were good, but there was this odd feeling inside of him, and the room suddenly got bigger, as did the bottle, until it was too large for him to hold onto.  
  
He fell over and dropped the bottle with a clink, then looked at the door. //Perfect size!// he thought, excitedly. //I must have shrunk!// He tried the door, then paused as the knob caught. It was still locked! "Oh no," he muttered, staring at it. "I somehow feel an irony coming on..." He looked up at the table.  
  
Of COURSE, the moment he looked up, a key appeared on the glass surface. He smacked a hand to his forehead, then quickly attempted to crawl up the leg of the glass table, but it was too slick and he only slid back down. With an aggravated growl, he stepped back, then slammed his weight against the post of the table.  
  
The entire thing came down with a huge crash, shattering into millions of pieces, and the key slid across the floor to his feet. "Somehow I think that wasn't the way it was supposed to go...ah, well. I hope no one misses this table..." He grabbed the key and stuck it in the lock, then turned it with a click and pushed the door open.  
  
It led him out into a large field of flowers very like the one his house was seated upon, but much more amazing. The flowers were watching him and whispering to each other, and that made him somewhat nervous. After all, he didn't want to hurt anything, so he carefully skirted them and made it past their beds to the bottom of the hill, where a forest began.  
  
A streak of color and white caught his attention zipping into the trees.  
  
"The rabbit!" he exclaimed. He quickly rushed after it, running into the forest in the direction he had been going. "Wait!" he called ahead, "I need to ask you a question!"  
  
But it was too late--he'd lost him.  
  
He stopped and sighed, then turned to go back...and ran face-first into a hard, red and white striped surface. The boy blinked twice, trying to clear his blurred vision, then looked up to see what he had barreled into.  
  
It was a man. No, wait...it was two men...standing side by side with their hands behind their backs, as still as statues. They were both clad in red and white, horizontally striped shirts with straight white collars and white pants, with little multi-colored beanies seated atop their spiked mops of chocolate-tinted hair. Both had set faces and stared out like wax- works, and he mentally began debating whether they were statues or real people.  
  
"Hmm..." he muttered, "These weren't here before I don't think...what cute figures, though." He ran a finger down the chest of the one he had run into, noting that it was indeed hard, but muscled too. The shirts he and his twin wore were so tight it was ridiculous that they should wear them at all! Then, his eyes fell upon their collars and he noticed that they were each labeled here in cursive. He grasped the edge of the one nearest him and inspected it. "Tweedle Dee..." he turned and looked at the other, "and Tweedle Dum...hmm," he fingered the collar of Dee. "How cute..."  
  
"I'M cuter."  
  
He jumped, then looked at the one marked Dum. "Did you just speak?"  
  
"Are not, and of COURSE he did," Dee remarked, flatly. They both had an odd monotone that was somewhat unnerving, but they seemed to be harmless enough. "What do you think we are, statues?"  
  
Quatre stepped back and inspected them from afar. They WERE identical. "Huh...yes, I sort of did," he admitted, sheepishly. "Well...uh, I'm sorry I ran into you, sir," he said to Dee, who exchanged a glance with Dum before smirking at him. "I was just looking for a white rabbit, so I think I'll just--"  
  
"Why?" Dum asked.  
  
He blinked. "Why? Why what?"  
  
"No," Dee said, smacking Dum upside the head. "That's no way to start a conversation!"  
  
"Oh, I forgot."  
  
Quatre was very quickly getting confused. He looked from one cobalt-eyed man to the other as they started arguing amongst each other. "Excuse me!"  
  
They looked up. "Oh," Dum said. "Forgot you too."  
  
Dee frowned. "It's impolite to forget your guest."  
  
"Sorry. Forgot that too."  
  
Quatre quickly backed up into a tree. "Well...I think I'll be going now..."  
  
"NO!"  
  
He jumped as both grabbed him by an arm and carted him back. "What?" he asked, weakly.  
  
"You can't go yet," Dum said. "That's no way to start a visit, nohow."  
  
"Contrariwise," Dee said, "When you start a visit, you don't walk away without introductions and conversation."  
  
"Yes. That's manners."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Quatre blinked. Well, they were right. It WAS good manners when you met someone to introduce yourself and make some sort of conversation, though this in itself was interesting conversation, strange as it was. He nodded. "Well, I'm Quatre, and I was just--"  
  
"No!" Dum said. "Now WE have to introduce ourselves."  
  
"I go first," Dee muttered.  
  
"Nohow! I'M first because I'm older."  
  
"YOU'RE older?!"  
  
Quatre cleared his throat. "HOLD IT!"  
  
Both of them paused and looked at him, raising their eyebrows. "Yes?"  
  
He blinked. "I know who you are, because you are clearly labeled. You're Tweedle Dee and you're Tweedle Dum."  
  
It was their turn to blink. "No, no," Dee said. "WE were supposed to introduce us, not you. It's only proper."  
  
"Yes, of course," he agreed, mildly. "I was just wondering if you two had seen a white rabbit. You see, I was following him when I ran into you two and I can't find him now. That's why I wanted to know if you has seen him."  
  
Dee and Dum both sighed as if he had done something silly and he put his hands on his hips, frowning at them. "No, no--"  
  
"Let me guess, I wasn't supposed to say that until you asked?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"That's--"  
  
"Etiquette," Quatre finished. "Very well, ask me where I'm going."  
  
"But you already told us that!" Dum objected.  
  
Quatre growled and smacked a hand to his forehead. "Then let me ask my question, please! Did you see which way the white rabbit went?"  
  
They exchanged glances, then nodded. "Yes," they chimed.  
  
He sighed with relief. "Finally. Which way did he go?"  
  
Dee snorted, folding his arms. "Not much of a conversationalist, are you?"  
  
He fisted handfuls of his own hair, gritting his teeth in aggravation. "FINE!" he exclaimed, making both jump. He quickly relaxed, sighing. Apparently, they were lonely, or else they wouldn't have been running him in circles and insisting he stay, and he didn't know where he was going, what he was looking for or, in fact, where he was, so there was only one answer. "I need to find the white rabbit, but if you two want to show me which way he went and how to find him, I might enjoy your company."  
  
The brothers exchanged a glance, then looked at him, each raising an eyebrow in curiosity. "What do you think?" Dum asked Dee.  
  
The latter of the two grabbed his brother and they huddled together, whispering animatedly. Quatre mentally began to debate whether to tell them that they had forgotten their guest again or to just leave it. If he mentioned it, that silly argument about manners and visits would come up again. He shook his head. No, not a good idea.  
  
Finally, they stirred and nodded in unison. "Sure," they said together, their voices sounding as one.  
  
Quatre sighed, smiling. Well, at least he would have some company! "So," he began, looking at the Tweedle brothers. "Which way did he go?"  
  
"Who?" Dum asked.  
  
Dee smacked him again. "It's impolite to answer a question with a question!"  
  
"Oh...but I didn't understand!"  
  
Quatre sighed. "Hold on a second!" he exclaimed. They both looked at him, curiously. "Let me try again. I was looking for the White Rabbit--Dum, I see the question coming, wait until I'm done," as he said this, Dum closed his mouth and looked down while his brother snickered at him. "--and I wanted to know if either of you had seen him go past, and if so, which way he went," he finished.  
  
They shook their heads. "No, sorry," Dee said.  
  
Quatre sighed, angrily. They'd just said yes! "Oh well..."  
  
"But I saw a guy with bunny ears," Dum said. "Does that count?"  
  
Dee smacked him upside the head. "Stupid! THAT'S what a rabbit looks like!"  
  
"Oh...I thought it was just a guy with bunny ears."  
  
Quatre intercepted Dee's hand before it could hit Dum again. "Hold on, hold on! It's all right, he told me what I needed to know!" The brunette twin didn't look convinced, so the blue-eyed boy decided to try and phrase it better. "Hitting your brother in front of a guest is bad manners."  
  
Dee blinked. "Oh. All right."  
  
He sighed, inwardly. "Tweedle Dum, could you show me which way he went?"  
  
Dum nodded, smirking smugly at his brother. "Yes, I could." He pushed Dee aside and marched proudly up to Quatre, offering him his arm. "Come with me."  
  
The blonde watched through the corner of his eye as Dee's face contorted into an awful snarl and his hands went up to grab at his twin, frowning to himself. He quickly took Dum's arm and pulled him out of range of his brother's hands. "All right! We can go now, Dee!"  
  
Dee scowled, then stamped his foot, testily, as Quatre and Dum headed off. Quatre could see that he was jealous, and probably with good right. He had often read that twins fought over things, and when one got something the other didn't, the one left out got angry. He didn't want anyone fighting over him--though it was flattering and funny, he didn't want it.  
  
As they headed off into the depths of the forest, following the odd magenta path snaking its way around trees and signs that were of no help, Dee began muttering angrily to himself. Dum stuck out his tongue at him over his shoulder, then made a horrible face at him. "I'M more important than YOU are," Dum hissed.  
  
"Are NOT!" Dee spat, harshly.  
  
Quatre sighed, then reached back and pulled the latter of the Tweedles up with him, taking his arm too. "No fighting, PLEASE," he said, sighing.  
  
They nodded. "All right," they said.  
  
He smiled to himself, rolling his eyes as the brothers began to whisper insults at each other over his head. //This should be an interesting journey...well, I'd rather be here than at home reading!//  
  
****  
  
TBC  
  
Xandra: The stuff in the beginning about rabbits, I made it up, but it sounds true, right? I needed something to associate Quatre with seeing the White Rabbit! I know, OOC on Heero (Dee and Dum) and somewhat cheesy, but hey, it's supposed to be that way. It gets better--keep reading. Oh, and for the record, I'm using both the Disney movie and the original story by Lewis Carroll to write this, with several of my own ideas. (Funny thing is, Dee and Dum weren't actually IN Alice in Wonderland, they were in Through the Looking Glass, the second story in the book. Still, I thought it a good idea to have our young, adorable hero have some company for a bit. Eh, what can I say?) Hope you enjoyed it, and PLEASE R&R (next chapter might be longer)!  
  
Oh, P.S.: The Cast so far--if you haven't guessed--is this:  
  
Alice = Quatre + St. Gabriel's Institute Uniform (blue slacks, white dress shirt, red buttoned-up vest and blue blazer, for those who didn't see or don't remember episodes 1-8 or so, first season GW)  
  
The White Rabbit = Trowa + long kawaii rabbit ears, tail and a suit. (OOC so far, I know. [Well...actually, imagine him on a HELL of a lot of caffeine. Pretty accurate, ne? Who ISN'T like that after a few cappuccinos!])  
  
Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dum = Heero X 2 + white spandex pants, red and white striped, collared polo shirts and colored beanies.  
  
ACK! This is starting to look like my Geometry homework! I better find a more effective way to explain next time! -_-0 Thanx for reading! 


	2. Chatting with a Caterpillar

Jacked-Up Classics: Alice in Wonderland  
  
By Xandra  
  
Chapter Two: Chatting with the Caterpillar  
  
****  
  
As they marched along their merry little way, the Tweedle brothers continued to bicker childishly as if Quatre wasn't there, but they remembered him any time a comment like "He likes me more" or "I'm more important to him," came up, at which point they started a gentle tug-of-war with the little blonde. It was flattering, but quickly becoming aggravating. Ah, well. Better to be affectionately tugged at than all alone in this odd place. Honestly, who better to be with in an odd place than odd natives?  
  
"May I ask a question?" Dum asked suddenly, looking down at Quatre. He did this only because he was several inches taller than the boy.  
  
Dee sighed. "Finally, you're using your manners."  
  
Quatre smiled, nudging Dee with his elbow. An odd honk resulted and the Tweedle blushed, while his brother laughed. The young blonde refrained from doing so too, in fear of hurting his feelings. "Yes, you may."  
  
Dum decided to leave his brother alone and turned his attention back to Quatre. "Why are you looking for the rabbit?"  
  
He smiled to himself. "Well, you see, I was at home when he ran past me, and I followed him here because I was curious to where he was going. He seems to be in an awful hurry to get somewhere, and I want to know where that is and why, as well as a few other things..." he blushed, slightly.  
  
Dum nodded. "Yeah, but you'd think he would stop, being out of breath from all of that shouting of, 'Late, late, late!' while going so fast, but he didn't stop, nohow. He has a lot of energy!"  
  
"Catching him might be hard," Dee commented, dryly. "He was traveling at a very high velocity."  
  
"Well," Quatre said, "Maybe we can ask someone."  
  
They nodded. Apparently, that was good enough for them. They continued on for a while in silence.  
  
//I wonder how he can be late if he runs that fast...// Quatre thought. Then, he paused and grabbed both Tweedles by their shirts. "Wait, look here!"  
  
"What?" they asked.  
  
He pointed to a small piece of cloth, hanging from a hand on the end of a nearby purple branch. It was white with multiple appendages, oddly enough, and was being clutched by the little gloved hand. Curious, he reached down and plucked the little think from its grasp, and though the little plant- hand put up a fight for it, he got it. "What's this?" he asked.  
  
Dee took it from him and inspected it, then raised an eyebrow. "Hmm...odd."  
  
"What is it?" he asked.  
  
Dum snatched it from his brother and looked at it, then nodded. "Yes, very odd."  
  
He growled. "What IS it?" he repeated.  
  
"Hmm..." they both said.  
  
"WHAT IS IT?!" he bawled.  
  
They both looked at him. "You don't have to shout," Dee said, flatly.  
  
"Yes, you should have raised your hand," Dum agreed. Then, he paused. "Isn't that right?"  
  
Dee nodded, then indicated the tree behind Quatre. "The plant has the right idea."  
  
Curious, the blonde looked at it and noted that every branch had an oversized, fat, yellow-gloved, Mickey Mouse hand and they were all waving. "Hold on, what's THIS?"  
  
Dee went to object, but Dum answered first. "It's a shoe-tree."[1]  
  
Quatre narrowed his eyes, smirking wryly. "Looks more like a hand tree to me. Besides, doesn't a shoe-tree hold...shoes?"  
  
Dum nodded. "Yes. This kind of tree grows shoes, then holds onto them until people want them. It picks up spare ones too."  
  
He stared. "A shoe-tree that grows shoes." They nodded and he blinked. "What an awful pun...what's that thing it was holding? A sock?"  
  
Dum shook his head. "No, that's up to the sock fern." [1]  
  
Quatre smacked a hand to his forehead. "Please, just tell me what that is that it was holding."  
  
"It's a glove," Dee said, taking it from Dum. He held it out to the small boy, who took it and inspected it, curiously. "It seems to me that someone must have either dropped this or run past really fast and frightened that limb into snatching it from them."  
  
Quatre examined the glove for a moment, then blinked. "It seems to be a normal gentleman's glove...a kid-glove..." he paused, then snapped his fingers. "The rabbit! HE was wearing gloves! He must have scared the tree on his way past and lost it!" He mentally noted how odd it sounded to scare a tree, but brushed it off. This place was odd enough on its own without his adding to it!  
  
The twins nodded in unison. "I knew that," Dum said.  
  
Dee frowned. "I knew it first."  
  
Quatre sighed as they suddenly broke into yet another argument. //I wonder what would happen if I silently slipped away from them...I want to find that guy...hmm...// "Dee, Dum, I have to go take care of something."  
  
Fortunately, they were too busy arguing, and their little spat looked about ready to turn into a fist fight. Judging by the size of them, that wouldn't be pretty. Now, them WRESTLING SHIRTLESS--THAT would've been worth staying for, but not boxing. Too messy, not fun to watch OR clean up. He pocketed the glove, then quickly turned to the branch that had been holding onto it. "Excuse me," he said, quickly. "Did you see which way the man--err, rabbit- man you took this from went?"  
  
The hand fisted itself and seemed to nod, then pointed a finger off down another path, which he hadn't noticed before. It split off from the one Dee and Dum had put him on.  
  
He smiled. "Thank you." He shook hands with it, smirking to himself, then turned and hurried off in the direction indicated by the hand. The Tweedle brothers had just begun attacking each other by the time he left, but he was pretty sure they wouldn't hurt one another too badly. They were well formed and strong, but he could tell that they were too close to REALLY hurt each other. Brothers fought like that--of course, he wouldn't know first-hand, being that he had no brothers, but still...  
  
Quatre walked for a while, looking at the glove thoughtfully as he followed the magenta path lined with odd, colorful trees and interesting creatures that watched him from the bushes. //The things around here make no sense...I wonder where he's going anyway...too bad he's not human or I'd ask him if he was seeing anyone...//  
  
He paused in mid-step as he exited the forest and entered a little clearing, where an adorable pink and white house was seated neatly in the center, surrounded by a little white picket fence. It was so cute! However, what made the place all the more fun to look at was the fact that the White Rabbit was standing near the gate, fidgeting and playing with his palm- sized, gold pocket watch. He looked agitated, and it seemed that this expression was a frequent guest on his face. He was indeed missing a glove, and he kept looking around and sticking his bare hand in the pocket of his slacks.  
  
//Ouch. For a rabbit-man, he is GORGEOUS.// He paused. //For ANY man, he's gorgeous! Too bad I could never talk to him without either getting dizzy or fainting. As far as I know, he talks faster than my sister on the phone!// He walked slowly up to the fence and noted the mailbox, which was amazingly frilly and somewhat creepy, with the words T. RABBIT engraved in the side. T standing for what? Must have been something to do with his name. He cleared his throat, at a loss for words as he got a VERY good look at his face. He was a dream, excluding the ears, but they were cute. "Uh..." he said, lamely, holding out the glove. He felt like a little boy offering his parent something he shouldn't have.  
  
The rabbit looked up at him, then took the glove back. "Took you long enough, Bobby-Jo." [2]  
  
Quatre raised an eyebrow, then noted the name. He looked around. "Excuse me?"  
  
The rabbit-man inspected his glove, which was somewhat dirty. "Now you've done it. Do you not understand I'm late?" He scowled, then took off the other one and set them both in his hands. He pointed to the house. "Go inside right this instant and get me another pair of gloves. I can't wear them because you've ruined them."  
  
He blinked, then frowned. "*I* ruined them? YOU'RE the one who lost it!"  
  
"I did no such thing," he insisted, stubbornly. He nudged Quatre toward the house, holding up the watch. "Go! NOW! I'm late! Get me my gloves, AND my hat, right now!"  
  
He frowned. "What do I look like, your servant?!"  
  
The rabbit rolled his eyes, then gave him another shove. "No kidding! Now GO!"  
  
The blonde blinked, but he didn't argue. He quickly entered the yard and went into the house, noting there was a plate on the door that matched the one on the mailbox as he opened it. Carrying the gloves in his hands, he hurried up the nearby staircase. //Next thing you know I'll be taking orders from Dinah! He thinks I'm his servant!// As he came to the top of the stairs, pausing at a door, he started to wonder where the real Bobby-Jo was. He certainly didn't want to meet him around here. He opened the door and entered the bedroom.  
  
It didn't match the rest of the house. It was oddly small and had a mundane look to it, but it was handsome, like the White Rabbit himself. He slowly stepped inside, inspecting the handsome four-poster bed in the center of the room as he passed it and wondering why he had such a big bed if he was all alone. Maybe he was married! That would explain the pinkness of the house!  
  
He looked around. "Hmm...if I were a rabbit, where would I keep my gloves?" He looked around, then paused as he spotted a box that said quite plainly 'Open Me.' Curiously, he popped it open and blinked. It was full of colorful cookies, all saying 'Eat Me.' He shook his head and closed it. "Oh no, that little issue with the Drink Me bottle was enough!"  
  
"Bobby-Jo!" the White Rabbit exclaimed from outside. "I'm WAITING!"  
  
"I'm looking!" he called back out the open window. He quickly started going through the drawers of a nearby dresser, carefully looking through masses of good clothes for some gloves. //I must be on the right track...// he thought. Then, he paused as he opened the top drawer and came across something he hadn't expected. [3] //Oh my God, does he wear this? Must not be comfortable...but boy, I'd KILL to see it on him!//  
  
"BOBBY-JO!"  
  
"KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!" He paused as he looked at what he was holding, then took a moment to consider if he really wanted that. He set the unmentionable article of clothing down where he had found it, then finally, he managed to locate a new pair of hand-stitched white gloves and hurried back down the stairs, snatching a handsome top-hat off a hook as he passed it on his way out the door. He offered them to him, breathlessly.  
  
The White Rabbit reached out to take them and his bare fingertips brushed momentarily over the pinkie-side of Quatre's hand, lingering there before they closed on the soft material of the gloves and took them. He didn't put them on, though--he just stood there and looked at him.  
  
Quatre let his eyes drift up from his own hands to the other man's eyes, which were locked on him. He was beautiful, and he was staring like he was hypnotized. Everything about him somehow projected his inability to move, from his glazed eyes to his limp ears, which were resting cutely over either shoulder. "H-hi..." the blonde whispered.  
  
"H-hi..." he echoed, lamely. Then, he blinked and shook his head, his ears standing out as he grabbed his watch again. "Uh-oh! I'm even MORE late now!" He snatched the top-hat from him.  
  
That reminded him, but before he could ask, the man was already bolting away. "Aww, man...WAIT A SECOND! I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION!"  
  
"NO TIME! I'M LATE!"  
  
"Damn it!" he swore, stamping his foot on the soft ground, soundlessly. He sighed, then hurried to follow, but he knew he had no chance of catching up to him. He was going too fast! The man was a track-star with bunny ears! He stopped short of the path, then looked up as he heard an obnoxious honking noise coming from the fork in the road. "The Tweedles. I hope they aren't hurting each other."  
  
As he headed sadly back toward them, it abruptly stopped with an exclamation of, "Wait, that's a rabbit, right?" followed by an amazingly loud honk and an "oww, wha'd I say?!"  
  
"Oh, super." He hurried and caught up to the two brothers, noting that Dee had a black eye and Dum was on the ground with a bloody nose. Well, now telling them apart would be a breeze. "Okay, what happened?"  
  
"He hit me first," Dum muttered from the ground.  
  
He sighed. "Come on, you two! I want to catch that rabbit!"  
  
Dee pulled Dum up by his collar and set him on his feet. "We saw him run by just now, if that helps," he said.  
  
"I thought white rabbits were white, not red," [4] Dum muttered. Dee nudged him and he honked, but that was the last sound he made.  
  
Quatre ignored it. "But we don't know where he's going!"  
  
"We know someone that might," Dee said.  
  
He brightened. "Really? Who?"  
  
"We'll take you to him," Dum said, "But the consequence is that we can't lead you any further than where he lives."  
  
"Why not?" Quatre asked. Certainly, Dee and Dum weren't ideal company, but they were kind-hearted and they wanted to help. Besides, he didn't want to be alone in this place! It was creepy!  
  
"Can't tell."  
  
"Confidential."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
He sighed. "Well, take me there, then."  
  
They nodded. Dee stood behind him while Dum stepped in front and both looked at him from where they stood. Then, Dum knelt and grabbed his feet while his brother caught his shoulders and the next thing he knew, he was in the air, being carried above their heads.  
  
"ACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"  
  
"You told us to take you there," Dee said, reasonably. "That's what we're doing."  
  
"Yep," Dum agreed.  
  
He sighed, then shook his head, smiling. "You two are so odd."  
  
"Thank you," they said.  
  
So, he suffered himself to be carried for a ways as he enjoyed the strange scenery. The Tweedle brothers were such odd beings, but at least they were on his side. //I'll have to write a book about this place when I get home,// he thought.  
  
Finally, they emerged from the forest and both of them stopped, then set Quatre down and pointed at the entrance to a cave nearby. "You have to go in there," Dee said. "We can't go in, but you have to. Go in and talk to the man with a hookah and he'll tell you which way to find the rabbit."  
  
"But he'll give you the run-around first," Dum added. "He's pretty confusing."  
  
//If THEY think he's confusing, I'm bound to be dizzy by the time this is over!// Quatre sighed, then hugged both of them. "I'll miss you guys," he said. "Weird as you are, you've been great."  
  
They shrugged, smiling wanly. "We'll meet again, Quatre," Dee said.  
  
"Any advice before I go?"  
  
"Don't eat anything that tells you to unless someone else says its safe."  
  
"And beware the cat," Dum said, smirking, "She gets her claws in you and she'll never let go."  
  
Quatre raised an eyebrow, then nodded. "Bye, guys, and thanks."  
  
The Tweedles nodded, then turned and headed off back into the forest.  
  
"He liked me more."  
  
"No, he hugged ME first."  
  
"Well he smiled at me four times."  
  
"I got FIVE smiles."  
  
Quatre snickered and shook his head, then turned and headed into the cave. The walls were lit by a multitude of glowing blue and purple mushrooms, which grew up from the ground near the floor, lighting the pathway beautifully in shades of amethyst. As he progressed, they seemed to get bigger, until finally, the things were the size of him and getting taller, but before they got too big, he came to the exit of the cave, which led him into a beautiful garden.  
  
A HUGE, beautiful garden. All the flowers were ten times his size, and they all had faces, which were locked on him as he passed. They were watching him.  
  
He paused a moment to look up at a little rosebud that was staring down at him, looking interested. "Um...hello."  
  
The little rosebud went to speak, but the giant rose it was attached to pulled it back, covering its mouth. "Don't talk to it, Bud. You don't know where it's been."  
  
Quatre blinked. "That was amazingly rude," he muttered. Of course, what did flowers know about manners? He quickly continued down the little dirt path leading through the bed of huge, living flowers.  
  
He came to a parting in the blades of grass and peeked out into a small clearing, where a large, red and white mushroom sat. Seated atop it was a man...or something...it had six arms and just as many legs, and though it was wearing a proper gentleman's suit, it was hard to tell that it was even slightly human at all. He was briefly reminded of a caterpillar, but its limbs and body were human, as was its face...it was just so weird...  
  
Cautiously, he approached. The man (?) was seated on the mushroom, leaning back against a blade of grass and smoking a hookah. When he exhaled, letters floated through the air and made words. Was this who he was supposed to talk to? Apparently so. Hopefully, he knew something. "Um," he began. "Excuse me, sir?"  
  
The caterpillar looked down at him. "Who are you?"  
  
He blinked. "Well, um, I'm Quatre, and I was told that you can help me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what?"  
  
"You heard me."  
  
He briefly remembered Dum's warning about his getting the run-around. Apparently, this was true. He was so very vague! "Um...well, the Tweedle brothers told me you could help me find the White Rabbit. I want to know where he's going."  
  
"And why is that?"  
  
He paused. "I don't really know why...but I would like to know nonetheless."  
  
"That makes no logical sense."  
  
"Not much makes sense here," he countered.  
  
That made the caterpillar pause. "Recite your lesson."  
  
He blinked again. //What does...?// He shook his head. No use arguing. He cleared his throat, checking his posture, then dove into the rhyme he had been forced to memorize. "How does the little bumble bee--"  
  
"That's not it. You learned it wrong."  
  
"I barely got six words out!" he objected.  
  
"It's still wrong, and don't interrupt. It's rude."  
  
He blinked. "You interrupted me first!"  
  
"Two wrongs do not make a right."  
  
Then, another voice came into play. "Nohow, but three rights make a left."  
  
HONK!  
  
"Oww!"  
  
Quatre turned around and blinked. "Dee! Dum! I thought you two couldn't come with me!"  
  
The older of the two shrugged while his brother rubbed the spot on his arm where he had been struck. "We weren't supposed to, but we wanted to help you more. That, and Dum missed you. I was afraid he was going to start crying."  
  
"WAS NOT!" Dum shouted in his brother's ear.  
  
Quatre sighed, amused but slightly annoyed. "Okay, okay, that's enough." He turned back to the caterpillar, who was looking off in another direction. He whistled, drawing its attention. "Are you going to help me, Mr. Caterpillar, or am I wasting my time?"  
  
"Time is not yours to waste," the weird thing said, simply. "Time is simply time."  
  
He paused, frowning. That made sense at least, but it had nothing to do with anything. "Are you going to help me?"  
  
"CAN you be helped?"  
  
"Answer the question."  
  
"It's rude to answer a question with a demand," Dee muttered.  
  
Quatre scowled at him, shutting him up. "It's rude to intrude on a conversation that has nothing to do with you!" he retorted. Dum snickered at him and Dee was silent. He turned on the caterpillar. "Look, you stupid bug-thing, I am losing my patience with all this nonsense, so TELL me how to find the White Rabbit!"  
  
"No need to be so rude," the caterpillar said, flatly.  
  
Dee sighed. "There's a tactful way to ask him questions. Find a way to say it that he can't twist about."  
  
Quatre paused, then nodded to himself. "Right." He paused to consider. //How to say it, how to say it...aha! Idea!// He cleared his throat. "Mr. Caterpillar," he said as politely as possible.  
  
The six-armed, six-legged, blonde-haired man looked down at him. "Who are you?"  
  
He sighed. "My name is Quatre Raberba Winner, and I am interested in finding the White Rabbit so I can talk to him about a few things, so if you don't mind, would you kindly point me in the direction he went in, please?"  
  
The caterpillar removed the hookah from his mouth, frowning with distaste. "Damn."  
  
"HA, he got'cha there, Treize," Dum said. "Can't twist that, nohow."  
  
"Indeed," Dee agreed.  
  
The caterpillar Treize nodded, then gestured to the mushroom he sat on. "Eat some of this and go that way," he said, simply, pointing with his hookah off into the brush. "One side will make you taller, other will make you shorter."  
  
Quatre blinked. "Why would I need to be taller or shorter? I'm short enough naturally, but I wouldn't prefer to be any taller!"  
  
Treize rolled his eyes, then sprouted wings and took off into the air. "You shrunk to get here, but if you like being that small, then so be it!" And he was gone.  
  
Slowly, the blonde boy blinked again and looked at the Tweedles, who shrugged. "Is that true?"  
  
"That's why we weren't supposed to follow you," Dum said. "We shrunk too, but mushroom doesn't make us grow again."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Bad metabolisms," Dee said. "We don't grow very well."  
  
Quatre sighed, then smacked a hand to his forehead. //Sheesh!// "So...you're stuck this way?"  
  
"No, we just have to go see the Duchess."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Her food is good for growing boys, and since we aren't growing, it might help," Dee said, straight-faced.  
  
The blonde huffed, fisting handfuls of his soft hair, roughly, in both hands. Puns were getting REALLY old. "Oh, I shouldn't have asked!" he cried.  
  
"Then again," Dum added, "We could always go visit the--" but there was a loud 'HONK!' and he quit, and when Quatre looked up, the denser of the two brothers was rubbing his arm and frowning.  
  
"DEE! Will you STOP hitting him please? It's RUDE!"  
  
"SO is suggesting what he was about to suggest! That man makes US look sane!"  
  
He paused. "You're not sane?"  
  
They both shook their heads.  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"Nohow."  
  
That sort of figured. He blinked, then put his hands on his hips, sending them a suspicious look. "You seem perfectly sane to me...(a little off, yes, but sane as it were.)"  
  
"Oh no, we're quite mad," Dee said with a polite nod.  
  
Dum nodded too. "Yes, or why else would we be this way?"  
  
//Too much sugar in your diets, perhaps,// he thought. But he didn't argue. They DID seem a bit unstable. "I see...so is it just you, or is everyone mad?"  
  
"EVERYONE is mad," Dee said. "Treize the Caterpillar--as if you couldn't tell--the Duchess, her cat--"  
  
"Evil bitch," Dum murmured. Dee pinched his bicep instead of punching him in it and a soft 'beep' came out. Dum went silent again.  
  
"Don't interrupt me."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Dee leered at him and Dum covered his mouth, blushing. "That's better. Now, where did I leave off? Oh yes, the Cheshire cat, the Queen of Hearts--"  
  
"You have a queen?" Quatre asked.  
  
"So to speak. May I continue now?"  
  
"Oops, sorry."  
  
"...the Dormouse, the March Hare--"  
  
"The Mad Hatter," Dum added without missing a beat.  
  
Dee spun and covered his mouth. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT INTERRUPTING ME?! AND I SAID DON'T *SAY* THAT NAME!"  
  
Quatre was briefly reminded of the old phrase 'mad as a hatter' and couldn't help but wonder if that was yet another pun. Or perhaps it was just a given. Ah well. "Uh," he separated the twins again, "Pardon me, but who's the Mad Hatter?"  
  
Dee sighed, shaking his head in apparent annoyance, so Dum answered. "He's one of the craziest people you will EVER meet, even HERE. He lives just a little past the Duchess--not too close because she's pretty mad too, in more than one way, but close enough. Unlike us, he even LOOKS mad, clothes and all."  
  
Quatre raised an eyebrow as he once again noted that his companions were both identical, muscular teenage boys wearing red and white schoolboy uniforms and rainbow-striped beanies. From people who dressed like they did, THAT was really saying something! "He must really be a terror."  
  
"Oh he is," Dum said. "Dee's just afraid of him because he likes him--and he makes it clear."  
  
Quatre looked at Dee, who turned bright red and punched his brother so hard in the arm that he practically flew into the shrubbery nearby. "Oh REALLY?" he asked, amused by the display.  
  
"He DOES NOT like me, he likes DUM."  
  
"He can't tell us apart, but you're smarter so he likes you," Dum called from the brush.  
  
"But he's stupid which is why he likes YOU."  
  
"Does NOT."  
  
"Does TOO!"  
  
"Then why did he send YOU a birthday present?"  
  
"Because we have the same birthday and he got us reversed!"  
  
"Nohow, that's unlikely."  
  
"Contrariwise, it's VERY likely!"  
  
Quatre sighed and rolled his eyes, then passed the two fighting Tweedle twins as they started in and went right for the mushroom. He frowned as he looked at the rounded fungus. //One side makes me taller, the other makes me shorter...too bad I hate mushrooms." He shrugged, then carefully reached to the right side and chipped off a tiny piece, about the size of a dime. Sighing, he stuck it in his mouth and bit down, wincing at the awful taste.  
  
Everything got about a meter bigger.  
  
"Whoops, wrong side!" he exclaimed, panicked. "Thank goodness I tested it first or I might have disappeared completely!" Circling quickly and with some difficulty to the other side, he grabbed a chunk that seemed marginally big to him and winced against the thought of having to eat it, then took as big a bite as he good considering his size.  
  
The world jerked and the sky dropped in a few hundred feet, and, reeling against the sudden trip upward, the blonde boy had to fight the urge to tumble over. He caught his balance, then looked around and blinked as a cloud passed him.  
  
"Too much now, or are the clouds just low?" He glanced down by his shoe, where the mushroom was a dot and the field of flowers was a tiny patch. "Nope, too much." He sighed. "This is much like chemistry--a little goes a long way, and too much can be dangerous!"  
  
"HEY!"  
  
He looked down, then crouched and was unsurprised to see the ant-sized Tweedles gawking up at him.  
  
"Humans grow fast, eh?" Dum whispered, airily. A tiny 'honk!' rang out and a louder 'OW!'  
  
"Shut up!" Dee spat. He looked up. "Quatre, do you HAVE the chunk of mushroom with you?!"  
  
He looked into his palm at the pebble-sized lump of fungus, then nodded. "Yes, why?"  
  
"Hand it to me!"  
  
He shrugged and obliged, then watched as Dee went to the opposite side of the mushroom. He looked at the chunk that was about the size of his head, then at the bite mark and frowned. The blonde could barely hear him murmuring to himself, "All right, he's about double his natural size, so half of this amount taking him in the opposite direction would balance him out."  
  
//That's true,// he thought. //Good thing I have them with me or else I'd be in trouble...and lonely, too.//  
  
Dee quickly finished his calculating, then tore off a tiny handful of mushroom from the shrinking side and handed it to him. It was tiny. "Eat that."  
  
//Oh wouldn't my sister be proud,// he thought as he brought the colorful little thing to his lips and dumped it into his unwilling mouth, //I'm actually eating my vegetables willingly--and mushroom, too. Yuck.//  
  
Everything jerked again and he wobbled, then fell over into the grass, finding with relief that it was neither a green patch nor a forest anymore, simply grass. Before he could move, he felt something running up his leg, and in no time, the Tweedles were standing on his chest, standing perhaps five inches tall and looking like handsome little boy figurines with no fashion sense whatsoever. Dum sat down on his stomach while Dee started the original conversation up again.  
  
"We have to go to the Duchess to get bigger, but at this height it would take days, maybe weeks. If you could kindly get us there and away as fast as possible, we'd be glad to help you find your rabbit," Dee said.  
  
"Are you afraid of the Duchess?"  
  
Dee didn't even move to get angry. "I don't know of anyone who isn't!"  
  
"The Queen of Hearts," Dum called from further down his abdomen, "And the Hatter, because he's evil and either not smart enough or not sane enough to be afraid of anyone dangerous!"  
  
"If I could hit you for mentioning him, be assured that I would, Dum!" Dee shouted back at him.  
  
Dum made a face at him, but Quatre quickly stopped the older of the two with his hand, blocking his path.  
  
"Continue, please," he said, politely. "About the Duchess?"  
  
"She lives in the direction Treize pointed," Dee continued. "And when I was down there, I saw another bite-mark in the mushroom. I think the White Rabbit went that way, though probably not EXACTLY in that direction. We're bound to catch up eventually."  
  
"Anyone running THAT fast has to stop for air eventually!" Dum added. Dee didn't bother this time.  
  
Quatre nodded, then reached down and carefully scooped the two twins into his hands. He pulled himself into a standing position, then set them in the pocket of his blazer and, dusting the grass from his pants, took a piece from each side of the mushroom and put it with them. "I might need those, watch them for me."  
  
"Affirmative."  
  
"Sure."  
  
The blonde sighed, then stretched and continued from the field and into the forest nearby, finding the continuation of the path they had left. Continuing onward, he couldn't help but wonder what in the world he was doing here and why he wasn't going home.  
  
/'Quatre, grow up!'/  
  
/'Act your age!'/  
  
/'Be mature!'/  
  
/'Read your books!'/  
  
/'Stop with that silly nonsense!'/  
  
//THAT'S why,// he thought as his sister's voice continued to echo in his mind. //Nonsense indeed! This place is nothing BUT, so maybe if I catch that rabbit, I'll stay HERE! Who needs sanity anyway?//  
  
Carrying the fighting Tweedle brothers and magical mushroom in his coat pocket, he continued on, smiling happily to himself as he marched onward into the unknown.  
  
Little did he know that only moments ago he had begun the greatest adventure in the history of childhood dreams.  
  
****  
  
To Be Continued  
  
[1] Shoe Tree and Sock Fern--The shoe tree was a pun I borrowed from Piers Anthony, but the sock fern was just a bad joke I came up with myself.  
  
[2] Bobby Jo--This is a parody of the scene in the original book Alice's Adventure's in Wonderland where the White Rabbit mistakes Alice for his personal servant Mary Anne (this was in the kids' movie Alice in Wonderland too). Bobby Jo is a personal adaptation for my story (being that you can't honestly call a BOY Mary Anne) because it's gender-neutral and a double name.  
  
[3] Mystery Article of Clothing--I just could NOT resist it. Forgive me, I am hyper and I love being annoying. What is it? Maybe you'll find out later. Take a guess if you want!  
  
[4] "I thought white rabbits were white, not red"--This was Dum's way of pointing out that the White Rabbit was blushing on his way past without really saying it clearly. Dee punched him because he understood it too, better than his brother, but he didn't want Quatre to figure it out and force him to have to explain what happened to MAKE him blush. Needless to say, both were curious, but neither really wanted to KNOW.  
  
Xandra: Yup, this took a while, but it's updated now! Please, if you know people that like 3+4 and you like this story's goofiness or whatever else, pass it on! I NEED REVIEWS!  
  
Oh, PS: Can you guess who the Hatter is? Take a crack at it, it's pretty much a given. I'd also like to hear some ideas about the Queen of Hearts, if anyone has any. I have a surprise character as the evil Queen, but guess if you like! I wanna hear this! Thanx for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! Review and I'll update again! (Sorry it took so long, I have a lot of things going!) 


	3. The Indomitable Cheshire Cat

Jacked-Up Classics: Alice in Wonderland  
  
By Xandra  
  
Chapter Three: The Indomitable Cheshire Cat  
  
****  
  
Quatre strolled at a vigorous pace through the odd place, listening to the odd tunes some of the birds were singing. Of course, this wasn't like normal birds; some of them were just screaming out of tune, others were actually SINGING with voices ranging from high and painful to deep and ground-rattling, while some were actual flutes and pipes! The racket was slightly aggravating, but somewhat beautiful at the same time. Like going to a disorderly opera with unhappy young children attending.  
  
However, overpowering all of this was the noise issued from his pocket by its occupants. They were arguing again, and every once in a while, he felt movement against his hip. He was getting sick of that.  
  
Having had enough of their bickering, Quatre prodded at his pocket with his index finger, receiving matching cries and honks in response. "Pardon me for interrupting, but...I'm going to be impolite and squish you if you don't SHUT UP in there!"  
  
Dum peeked out (the expressions they wore alone helped his differentiation at their size). "He started it."  
  
With a cry, the former disappeared and Dee looked out angrily. "I did not, he kicked me first!"  
  
"Why you--"  
  
The shuffling in his pocket commenced and he growled in anger, gripping handfuls of his hair with his hands. "STOP that! I can't take it, I'll go mad if you don't quit!"  
  
Suddenly, both peeked out at him from somewhere near his waist.  
  
"Oh, what's that, then?"  
  
"For real, you mean it?"  
  
"Yes!" the blonde sighed, exasperated.  
  
They exchanged glances, then started fighting again.  
  
That did it. "ARG!" Quatre fished them out with a fist and separated them, taking Dum and sticking him in his left pocket to get him away from Dee. "There!" he exclaimed, flustered, his pale hair mussed from all the pulling and grabbing he had done to refrain from doing what he had done. "Now you can't fight!"  
  
"Why did *I* get moved?" Dum called from the left pocket.  
  
Quatre lifted a hand to rub the bridge of his slender nose in attempts to ease the pain of a developing headache. Certainly, the Tweedles were amusing at times, but their insanity and constant fighting got old fast. "Because I don't trust you with the mushrooms. You might eat them."  
  
"Would not!"  
  
"He probably would," Dee said from his other pocket, his voice low enough so that Dum didn't catch it. "Quite the good decision."  
  
The blonde ignored him and continued to walk. "So, what am I looking for," he asked, "A castle? A palace? A fortress?"  
  
"No," the twins said together.  
  
He blinked. "Well, what does the Duchess live in, a box?"  
  
"Don't be silly," Dee said. "She lives in a cabin, of course."  
  
Quatre didn't even bother asking. He was finding that questions were only met with answers more cryptic than the questions themselves. It was no help hearing such things, so he decided that he was going to try and figure things out himself. If all else failed, he'd just go with it.  
  
Finally, after taking a fork in the path right through a bright pink bush, he came to an amazingly colorful glade that made the rest of the places he'd seen so far look dim. Everything was bright and cheerful, but eerie nonetheless and somewhat tacky. Sitting in the center of all the flowers and color was a purple one-story building with pink trim made all from some sort of wood substance, and sitting on the blue front stoop was a man with blonde hair like his own...only the guy was MUCH less attractive. He was dressed in a pink tunic with white leggings and a purple ribbon tied in a little bow at his throat, folded awkwardly under his collar, a serious though bored look on his face despite his silly outlook. He wore a little gold badge that said his name in cursive, but he couldn't read it from where he was standing.  
  
Quatre blinked, rubbing his eyes. The colors alone were painful, and he pitied the dude sitting there. "Is this it?"  
  
"I can tell without looking," Dee called from the pocket. "I can see the colors through this material. This is the Duchess' residence without a doubt."  
  
"Yeah," Dum agreed, "nothing in Wonderland is more painful to look at."  
  
"Except the Queen of Hearts," the older twin said. They both snickered at this.  
  
The human boy sighed, then nodded. "So, I take you in, ask for the Duchess to feed you and make you grow and they we leave to find the rabbit, correct?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Watch out for her cat, though," his left pocket called, "She has a thing for blonde guys, and you're the only one besides the doorman that's blonde around here."  
  
Quatre blinked. //I like cats,// he thought. Then, he rethought it. "Wait, what kind of cat is this?"  
  
"A Cheshire cat, of course," his right pocket said.  
  
He blinked, then shrugged. "Of course," he agreed. With that done, he brushed himself off and straightened his own tie, then stepped properly into the glade and approached the sitting man.  
  
The moment he got close, however, the blonde guard leapt to his feet and pointed to him, nearly smacking him in the nose in the process. Quatre had jumped back out of shock and avoided the harsh smack. "Halt!" he shouted, his features suddenly twisted with a frightening rage. He'd looked so docile from far away!  
  
Quatre blinked at him, then gave into his natural curiosity. "Why?"  
  
The man paused for a moment of thought, grasping his chin with the other hand, then let his finger drop to his side and shrugged. "I don't know," he sighed, becoming calm once again. He slouched and sat on the stoop again, then looked up at him. "Who goes there--er, rather here, since you're here already."  
  
Before he could say anything, Dee stirred in his right pocket and peeked out. "Tweedles Dee and Dum and a human, Quatre."  
  
"Human?" the doorman asked. "What an odd thing to be, human. Hmm."  
  
Quatre then remembered the golden nametag, but when he tried to read it, he found that it was just a series of symbols, hearts, stars, kisses, ribbons, toys and bows. "What's this written in?" he asked, poking it.  
  
The doorman sighed. "The Duchess' language."  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
"Mueller."  
  
"Oh. Is that your name?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then why does YOUR tag say it?"  
  
"It's not my tag."  
  
Quatre stamped his foot, aggravatedly. "Then why are you wearing it?!"  
  
"Because the Duchess told me to wear it. It's the other guy's tag."  
  
"What's your name, then?"  
  
The man paused and looked at the tag. "I don't know, he has my tag."  
  
He finally gave up. The boy sighed. "Are you the doorman?" The guy nodded. "Then can I go in? I need to talk to the Duchess."  
  
'Mueller' shook his head. "I can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I'm locked out."  
  
"Oh? I'm sorry. Why don't you knock on the door and have the 'other guy' let you in?"  
  
He paused again. "Don't be silly, doormen don't knock on doors, they open them. Besides, one of us has to be on either side. We can't both of us very well be inside, could we?"  
  
That almost made sense, so he didn't argue. "Well, how do I get in?"  
  
'Mueller' looked at him funny. "You knock on the door!"  
  
"Then why can't YOU?"  
  
"I'M a doorman, YOU aren't. Knock on the door so I can go in."  
  
Quatre blinked, then huffed and folded his arms. "Okay, you can only go inside when I do?"  
  
"When somebody knocks on the door, the guy inside opens it, he comes out and I go in. I mean, you can't open a door and just stand there. It's a waste of a good door! You have to either go in or out, you can't just stay there."  
  
This place and its logic! How odd! "All...right..." Quatre stepped past the doorman and knocked on the door.  
  
It swung open and a skinny black man with a square haircut stood there, wearing the same outfit as 'Mueller' with a tag that had fewer symbols on it in a different order. He stepped outside and the other guy stepped in, taking Quatre by the arm and pulling him in with him. Before 'Mueller' could close the door, however, the blonde boy put his foot in the way and looked out at the other. "Are you Mueller?"  
  
"I don't know, he has my tag," the man said, shortly.  
  
"What does the tag you're wearing say?"  
  
He paused, then looked down at it and shrugged. "Alex."  
  
Quatre threw a thumb at the blonde doorman behind him. "So he's Alex and YOU'RE Mueller?"  
  
Two reactions came at the same time.  
  
"I don't know, he has my tag."  
  
Aggravated, he kicked the door closed as 'Alex' sat down, then looked at 'Mueller,' who sat down in front of the door, the way he HAD been sitting outside. "Why are you sitting there?"  
  
"I don't want to stand."  
  
"Let me guess. Since you're a doorman, you have to stay by the door."  
  
"Yeah. You know, in case someone knocks."  
  
"Ignore them," Dee said, finally. "They're idiots. We haven't got time to dawdle with them."  
  
Quatre looked down at his blazer pocket, then nodded. "Right." He followed the hallway leading from the front door to a curtained doorway, then paused as he heard a sudden obnoxious shouting, followed by sneezing and deep mutterings, like those of a disgruntled man. There was a faint hint of pepper in the air. //Hmm...// He continued his approach, noting the increasing denseness of the spicy scent around him, until it was almost unbearable. There was a sizzling in the room he was headed for, so he assumed someone was cooking. They must REALLY like pepper!  
  
"Cookie, hurry with that food!" a loud female voice bellowed, cruelly. Then, she sneezed. "I'm practically STARVING over here, and so is my poor kitty!"  
  
"Meow," someone said, but it wasn't a cat's meow. It was a soft, female voice, and the sound was made with almost seductive ardor.  
  
There was a grunt, followed by a murmured, "Stupid bitch, lucky I don't poison you, shouting at me like that--"  
  
"WHAT'S that, Cookie?"  
  
Another grunt. "Nothing, my LADY..."  
  
"The Duchess in all her grace," Dee murmured from within the pocket.  
  
Dum snorted from the other side. "HER version of grace, anyway."  
  
Before he could so much as reach the doorway at the end of the corridor, he sneezed so hard that his vision split.  
  
The arguing stopped and the familiar nagging voice snapped out, "WHO THE HELL IS IN MY DAMN HOUSE?!"  
  
Dee and Dum, who had been peeked out of either pocket to watch, ducked out of sight as Quatre pinched his nose shut to keep the pepper from making him sneeze. Carefully, he used his free hand to part the magenta-sequent- covered curtains and peek in.  
  
There, sitting across from the doorway in the relatively small room was a woman with golden-blonde hair and blue eyes, and she was quite beautiful, but something about her attitude took her beauty down to cute. She wore a lace-trimmed pink gown with long, tapering sleeves and a skirt that almost touched the ground with at least six petticoats beneath it. The collar was lined with lace and a frilly fringe exploded around her slender neck to cover her narrow shoulders, with a part that stood up in the back, colored deep magenta, trailing from which was a cloak. She was quite the extravagant sight, despite her meager surroundings.  
  
The room she sat in was a dull brown color, with a fire-pit off to Quatre's left side, at which stood the cook, an older woman with raven-black hair, long in front and apparently short in the back, hidden by a kerchief seated atop her head. She was stirring a huge caldron over the fire-pit against the wall with a gigantic wooden spoon, and she didn't look happy about it. Every few seconds, she added pepper to it with a brown pepper mill.  
  
The most surprising member of the group, however, was a woman lying on the floor next to the Duchess' feet, dressed all in a tight-fitting purple and pink tiger-striped suit without sleeves or straps, her pale platinum hair resting against her back in a tidy sheet of glittering tresses. Her fingernails were long and, though stylish, looked very sharp, more like claws than nails at all, as did her teeth look like fangs as opposed to teeth. This was only obvious because, despite her apparent resting, she was grinning, if only softly. Perched on top of her head was a pair of purple and pink cat ears, and swishing delicately behind her was a matching tail, slipping under the Duchess' feet as she sat in her wooden throne.  
  
Quatre stared, and two out of the three stared back, but soon enough, the cook went back to what she'd been doing, leaving the Duchess to open conversation.  
  
"Who are you?" she demanded, scowling at him.  
  
"A man," the cook muttered, lowly. "The first one to visit since the Hatter. Isn't that enough?"  
  
The regal woman ignored her, so the blonde boy did too. "I'm Quatre. Who are you?"  
  
"I am Relena Peacecraft, the Duchess!"  
  
He blinked. "The Duchess of what?"  
  
She blinked back, her frown disappearing momentarily, but it was back in a flash. "I...have no idea, but I'm still the Duchess!"  
  
Quatre decided not to press it any further.  
  
"Well, wha'da ya want, boy?" she barked.  
  
"I came to ask for your help. You see," he reached into either pocket and grabbed the Tweedles, pulling them out for her to see, "My friends are sort of shrunken...but I heard you could fix it. Is it true?"  
  
"Of course it is! Don't ask stupid questions!"  
  
"You mean *I* can fix it," the cook murmured.  
  
"QUIET over there!" Relena barked.  
  
She muttered again with a grunt and went back to her peppering.  
  
"Who's she?" Quatre asked, curiously.  
  
Cookie snorted, indignantly. "I'm the florist, stupid--what does it look like I am?!"  
  
The Duchess waved a dismissive hand, silencing her. "She's unimportant!"  
  
"I AM gonna poison you NOW, bitch," Quatre heard Cookie murmur. Relena didn't catch it.  
  
The boy looked down at his hands, where Dee and Dum were exchanging glances. He sighed. "Well, will you help them?"  
  
The Duchess sighed and looked at Cookie, who frowned and continued her stirring of the huge caldron. "Whatever, but make it snappy, I haven't got all day!" she shouted. She whistled and a man all in pink ran in, setting out a table and several bowls, two of which were tiny and ALL of which were purple, pink and blue swirled with gold lining. He disappeared just as quickly. "SIT, boy! Don't just stand there looking smart!"  
  
He didn't even bother with her comment. Quatre dropped quickly into a chair and set the Tweedles on the table in front of their places, then folded his hands in his lap.  
  
"Good boy!" she shouted. She looked at the cook. "It had BETTER be done?"  
  
"Keep your girdle on, woman, it's coming," Cookie spat. Using her huge wooden spoon, she dumped the brown, runny, lumpy substance into each bowl messily, then sprinkled yet more pepper into them and threw her utensils aside. "Happy now?"  
  
The Duchess used a fork (?) and tried the soup, then spat at the floor. "Disgusting! Who gave you this recipe?"  
  
"The Red Queen of the red chess pieces."  
  
She scowled. "It figures. That woman and her soup, I'm surprised her husband isn't dead yet."  
  
"He's been dying for over sixteen years now," the cook murmured. "Must've been one hell of a man to survive it."  
  
Quatre blinked, then slowly took up a spoon and poked at a chunk of something floating in the soup. He winced, then scooped it up and tapped Cookie on the arm. He showed it to her. "What's this?"  
  
"I have no clue. Either a dog's eyeball, pig fat, molding bread or rancid meat. Take your pick."  
  
The boy dropped his spoon as his stomach leapt into his throat. "Ohhh," he groaned, holding his stomach, "I don't think I can eat this..."  
  
"Then don't," Cookie said, simply, taking the bowl and setting it at another place, where the Duchess' cat was sitting. "You'd be mad to eat it."  
  
Quatre looked across the long table at the Duchess, who was already chowing down with little grace, then at the Tweedles. They were pigging out too. Only the cat wasn't eating. He didn't blame her; it was disgusting.  
  
Gradually, the twins grew, and by the time they'd finished their bowls and five others, they were full-sized.  
  
"Finally," Quatre sighed, looking up from the tablecloth finally. He hadn't eaten even a bite of the soup--he didn't dare; he planned to go home ALIVE-- and it had taken them all about an hour to finish. He yawned, then stood and pulled the Tweedle brothers off the table by their labeled collars. "Thank you so much for the meal," he said, politely. Bad food or not, manners were manners. "It's been a nice visit but we must be going now."  
  
"We must?" Dum asked. Quatre nudged him and he honked, then laughed, uneasily. "Oh yeah, we must."  
  
"Oh," the Duchess whined. "Can't you stay longer? It's so rare when people visit!"  
  
"Especially cute, male people," Cookie murmured as she dumped the slop into the fire. It blazed up in a sickly green shade, then died completely. "The only guy that visits HER is the Hatter."  
  
"Oh POOH!" the Duchess shouted. "I hate him!"  
  
Quatre's natural curiosity kicked in before Dee could so much as get a 'don't say that name' out. "Why?"  
  
Cookie answered. "He delivers gags and plays pranks on her, ones that usually ruin her house or her clothes. Just today, he put a twelve-layer cake on the doorstep and it exploded all over Mueller."  
  
"Wow! The blonde on or the other one?"  
  
"Other one."  
  
"Ah." Quatre looked at Dee and Dum, who looked ready to leave now just at the mention of the Hatter. "You made him seem awful. He doesn't sound so bad to me!"  
  
"YOU'RE not the one he has a crush on," Dee murmured.  
  
The boy nodded, then turned back to the cook. "Why does he do these things to the Duchess?"  
  
Cookie actually grinned, and the expression lit her features up beautifully. "Relena is the only person in Wonderland with a house tackier than his!"  
  
"SHUT UP, YOU!"  
  
Quatre snickered and the twins nodded together, smirking identically. "Why don't any men visit you?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know!" the Duchess wailed, sadly.  
  
Cookie dropped the impossibly huge caldron into a little box, then tossed the spoon in after it and closed it. "It COULDN'T be because of your winning personality," she murmured. Quatre refrained from laughing, though the temptation was hard to stave off.  
  
"Well, it was very nice meeting you," he said. "But we have to go."  
  
She pouted. "Well, could DEE at least stay?" she pleaded.  
  
Quatre glanced back at Tweedle Dee, who shook his head violently, waving his hands with a panicked look on his face. "I sorta need him to help me, Duchess. I apologize."  
  
"Oh, fine. Get outta here, then."  
  
Quatre quickly grabbed the Tweedles and pulled them back down the hallway to go, noticing with discomfort that the cat was staring at him. "Goodbye, Duchess, Cookie, cat."  
  
Cookie nodded her acceptance but Relena just scowled as he forced the twins out of the room.  
  
They quickly exited the house, Dee grabbing 'Mueller' from the floor on the way past and taking him out with them. Dum shoved 'Alex' inside where his partner had been and closed the door, and with that settled, the trio hurried out of the tacky glen and back into the forest, finding the magenta path once again with ease. From there, they marched on.  
  
"So, now we can find the White Rabbit," Quatre sighed.  
  
Dee and Dum nodded. "Indeed."  
  
"Good."  
  
"However," Dee said, "This happens to be in the same direction as...a certain someone's house."  
  
The blonde glanced at him. "The Mad H--"  
  
"DON'T say that NAME."  
  
"Sorry. But is it him?"  
  
Dum nodded. "Yup, the hatter lives around here."  
  
The elder of the two whacked his brother over the head. "SHUT UP, STUPID!"  
  
"STUPID?! WHO ARE *YOU* CALLING STUPID?!"  
  
And just like that, they were at it again. Quatre huffed, then buried his hands in the pockets of his pants and headed off in the direction the Caterpillar had indicated without them. He liked the Tweedle brothers just fine, but they were becoming a bother.  
  
As he reached a fork in the pink road, pausing to look at a pair of arrow signs written in gibberish. He frowned to himself, then glances back down the path. He had left them too far behind to go back for them now, but he couldn't read the local language! "Damn!"  
  
"Pardon your English!"  
  
He jumped, then looked up and was surprised to see the Duchess' Cheshire cat sitting there in the tree, grinning down at him with her sharp, glittering fangs. "You spoke!"  
  
"So did you!" she exclaimed, feigning surprise quite effectively and bringing a well-manicured hand to her chest with a soft gasp. She suddenly faded from sight, only to appear next to him, making him jump. "My, my, you're a handsome, foul-mouthed little boy, aren't you?"  
  
"I'm not foul-mouthed!" he exclaimed. "I'm considered quite polite, thank you very much!"  
  
"You're welcome," she said, beaming at him. She shook her long hair out with a small sigh, then tilted her head. "I assume you don't read Insanit- ese?"  
  
"Insanities?"  
  
"No, Insanit-ese! Our language, of course!" He shook his head and she beamed at him. She always seemed to be smiling...it was scary. "Well, I can help you, then, but only because you're cute." She winked at him, making him blush, then turned with a curtain of platinum hair flying behind her and pointed to the signs. "In THAT direction," she pointed to the left, "Is the March Hare's house, and in THAT direction," she pointed to the right, "Is the Mad Hatter's house!" She spun on the heel of her boot and grinned at him. "So, where do you want to go?"  
  
He blinked, then paused to consider. "Well, I don't want to go about meeting the Mad Hatter. I've heard a lot of negative things about him, and besides, the name is probably an indicator. So, I'll go see the March Hare."  
  
"Oh, she's mad too, you know. We're all mad here."  
  
He paused. "I forgot, Dee and Dum told me that already!" She grinned at him snidely and he sighed, embarrassed by his lapse of memory. "Well, which way do you suggest?"  
  
"It depends, where do you want to go?"  
  
"I want to find the White Rabbit."  
  
"Then you should follow him."  
  
"Well, which way did he go?"  
  
"I haven't any idea, I was occupied with my soup when he came past."  
  
"Then he did come past?"  
  
She blinked. "He did?"  
  
Quatre growled, then smacked a hand to his forehead as she beamed at him again, inclining her head to look at him as he simmered in his anger. "OKAY. Look, I would like to find the White Rabbit soon, and if you know which way he went, I'd appreciate you telling me."  
  
"I thought I just said I didn't know."  
  
"Fine, then. Which of the two is less hostile, the Mad Hatter or the March Hare?"  
  
"The hare."  
  
"GOOD. I will now go to see the March Hare, then." With that said, the boy buried his hands in the pockets of his blazer and took the left path, heading silently away from the cat as she snickered at him.  
  
"Oh humans are so fun!" she laughed. "Goodbye, little human boy!"  
  
Quatre glanced back and was surprised to see that she was beginning to fade from sight, her body's amazing curves disappearing and leaving her stripes, ears, right hand and her smile floating in mid-air. He blinked a few times as she giggled again, then waved at him. //Perhaps I should have stayed with the Tweedles,// he thought, meekly. //I'd probably be safer there...//  
  
****  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Xandra: Okay, I couldn't find a way to make these summary character descriptions any better, so I'm keeping it the math way. If you haven't read the book 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' you should. You'd be able to find connections all over the place, then. Oh, and about my cast. You can't blame me for casting Dorothy as the Cheshire Cat, can you? I mean, she rarely makes sense, she likes to follow Quatre around and she's annoying! I hate to put her in the part of my second favorite character in the Alice stories, but hey, desperate times call for it.  
  
Casting:  
  
Bill the Lizard (Doorman 1) = Alex + stupid uniform and a pin with cutesy symbols on it saying Mueller  
  
Unnamed servant (Doorman 2) = Mueller + stupid uniform and a pin with cutesy symbols on it saying Alex  
  
The Duchess = Relena PMSing + a flouncy dress  
  
Duchess' Cook ("Cookie") = Noin PMSing + a raggedy dress and apron with a bandana on her head to hide her hair (there's a reason for her casting, believe me)  
  
The Cheshire Cat = Dorothy Catalonia + pink and purple spandex jumpsuit, a tail and cat ears 


End file.
